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First Posted on January 26th, 2005  under the title That’s It!


Man, this afternoon was the last straw.

I understand that it’s a really popular thing right now to do remakes and covers of other band’s music, especially, for some reason, “Classic” Rock. I tolerated Metallica’s remake of “Turn the Page”

I hung in there for the remake of “Brown-eyed Girl”

I even kept my lips sealed through the new version of “Behind Blue Eyes”

But this afternoon, I heard something that almost made me vomit.

Some schmucks, I believe it’s a group called the Ataris, decided to do a remake of Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer”.

I like the original song. Good tune, catchy lyrics, even a cool message. It still, to this day, brings to mind a trip I made a long time ago to Virginia Beach, and the fun I had there.

So there I was, sitting, waiting for my roommate to get done with work, when this familiar beat comes on, and I was thinking, “Alright, I can get in to this, I can dig it. Damn, it’s been a while…” And then the singing starts…

*Expletive Deleted*

Yep, I said that one, fairly loudly. It wasn’t a shout. It wasn’t even said in a rage. It was more like when you see two tires have gone flat as you were getting groceries.

*Sigh* F**k…..

I understand that sometimes, it is really hard to come up with new stuff. I mean, that is the point of rap, right? But, I mean, c’mon man. It is a damn fine tune, and if you can’t come up with anything, then just take some time off. Take a breather man.

I blame the damn record companies. Pushing for the next hit, the next album. Lay off them, okay? Just deal with it, and quit destroying the music I love.

F**king-A man…. Boys of Summer….

Next time just slit my damn wrists with a busted Boston CD, okay?

First Posted on January 30th, 2005 under the title IT’S A BANNER NIGHT IN THE FRY HOUSEHOLD!

Okay, time for the full flavor, filterless pack of Kools rant!

I cannot stress enough how much I hate people that know just enough about something to either be a f*cking nuisance, or dangerous. I mean, it is one of the things that will drive me into a foaming at the mouth, wall-punching fit.

So for some reason, I decide to go to a New Age chatroom tonight. Just on a lark, mind you. Something to do, keeping up with the Joneses, you know.

So here I am in this chatroom, and things are okay. They aren’t really talking New Age, just talking. (That is another rant entirely for another night) I’m getting into some decent convo about whether or not it is okay to charge for divinations (Tarot readings, Runecastings, etc.), and it, for some goddamn reason, slides to Karma.

Now, those that know me realize that I have done a decent amount of independent study into Theology, and have a damn good grounding in all of the major religions of the world. Not an expert, never claimed to be, never will. So Karma comes up, and some assjack in the room says that “I don’t have to worry about Karma, I’m not Hindu.”

Okay. I’ll just swallow my comments and…

Next he says, “Karma is just some cop out, like the Three-fold Law. People living in fear of God smiting them, or some shit.”

I kid you not, those were the cut and pasted words.

So I crack my knuckles and start to explain to this inbred ass-biting smackhead that those two concepts are more about taking personal responsibility for your actions than some faceless deity kicking your ass.

Before Moron #1 gets a chance to respond, his midget gay lifepartner pipes in with a comment about Karma being about not following your Duty in life (Dharma for those of you in the know… and no, NOT Jenna Elfman!), and not about doing good instead of evil.

Well no shit.

So, I calmly explain to this hydrant-f*cker that even in Hindo belief, there is no greater evil than living up to your duty. (So you know, Hindu’s also believe that living up to your duty is living up to your potential. Being all you can. Improving the world about you by your actions and very thoughts. Sound f*cking familiar yet?)

Next thing I know, Asspal#1 and Asspal#2 start ganging on me, giving me shit about being a proselytizing Bigot.

Way wrong move. Way wrong.

Again, those of you that know me also know that proselytizing is the LAST thing I EVER do. I HATE proselytizers. With a passionn. Right up there with crotch fungus and anything Wayne Newton.

I did the best thing I could. I X’ed out of the room. If not, I would have had to find out who they were and kill them. I can’t help it, it’s the rules.

Again, who the f*ck are these people, and WHY are they breathing MY air?!

First posted on February 3rd, 2005 under the title Okay, Question

I’m a gamer. All of you know that, or should. If you don’t, how the hell did you get here?

Anyway, I do some roleplay at Wizards.COMmunity because it is hard to get tabletop together right now. Gives me something to do, an outlet. I like it there because, for the most part, there isn’t so much of the usual accumulation of schmucks and morons. The roving WizO’s (Administrators) keep that to a minimum.

For once, I want to talk about player’s choices of characters.

Number One

Okay, I get that there is a fascination with Vampires. Hey, I dig ’em. They’re cool, they have cool powers, they have this sexy vibe to ’em. I get that, I really do. But why the hell do all kinds of people have to play them, and usually screw it up in some way?

Vampires are killed by sunlight, fear holy symbols, disdain garlic, you know, the usual. So why are there so many walking around ignoring this stuff? It just… it pisses me off is what it does. If you wanna play a vampire, play a vampire, weaknesses and all. Otherwise, stop it, okay? Just put down the mouse, stop fondling yourself while dreaming of Interview with the Vampire, and go to bed. Get some sleep at night and meet mister Sun in the morning, okay?

Number Two

I call this Drizzt Do’Urden Syndrome. I love R.A. Salvatore’s character and the stories about him. Hell, I cut my teeth, so to speak, on Crystal Shard. But this profusion of Drow is killing me. Drow, as a goddamn RULE, do not come to the surface all that often. They don’t like it the way we don’t like it down there. It frightens us, makes us wet ourselves, stuff like that.

And I have spoken before about “changing houses”. This kind of behavior falls under what I spoke of above about getting rid of non-vampire vampire PCs. If you are not going to even attempt to be something near to what a Drow is to be, go to bed. Quit staring at pictures of Drizzt like he is your personal Jesus, put away your replicas of Twinkle and Icingdeath (oh, which by the way, are most definitely NOT scimitars… scimitars are CURVED you ASSJACKS!), and Go To Bed.

Number Three

Slavers. I know, BDSM is a big thing. If you like being subservient in your private life, more power to you. If your idea of a good time involves getting a clothespin attached to your nether regions while your wife burns the soles of your feat with hot nacho cheese, more power to ya pal.

But for God’s sake, keep it out of my roleplay. I do not need to see people paraded around on leashes and crap. You know, most cities in DnD have that kind of behavior outlawed. You pay fines, go to gaol, possibly even get executed. So c’mon, be a sport. Keep your odd sexual tendencies where they belong, which is either in your bedroom or on the streetcorner. Now put down the keyboard, and go to bed.

Come on here folks, this isn’t hard stuff to deal with. All I am asking you to do is a little research and to show some honesty. Is that too goddamn much to ask from people that are supposed to be grown up already?

Now, go to bed!

First posted on February 11th under the titles Screw Patricia Pulling

Yep, soccer moms are gonna be the end of the world as we know it.

Okay, let us just propose this: You are the spouse of a person who makes well enough money for you to stay at home with the kids, not needing for anything really. You have all the damn day to do what you wish, as long as the house is presentable, and there is some kind of plan for something to feed your spouse and children when they get home. What do you do with your time then?

Well, if you were like most soccer moms, you would be picking a pet cause, and making life sh!t for everyone else.

Soccer Moms are responsible for all the worst things in this world. The current blood alcohol levels allowable by law in your state? Set at that point because of every-loving morons likes DARE and MADD. Laws that actually penalize you for defending yourself from a stray dog, because it is “Cruelty to animals”? Soccer Moms again.

Let’s get on the topic of banned books. Now I am no fan of organized religion. I think the fact alone that it is organized condemns it. Putting that lovely institution of inadequacy aside, it is the fault of bored itinerant Soccer Moms. Let’s look at some of the banned books in my area.

Huckleberry Finn. All because it has the N-bomb in it. Yeah well back then, n***** was actually an accepted word. Besides which, it condemns the idea of stereotyping anyone. READ THE GODDAMN BOOK!

A Brave New World. Too much talk of sex. Same thing for 1984 here. Two books that are cautionary tales about letting other people tell you what you should do/be/think/like/feel/etc. Wow, so they REALLY ARE trying to indoctrinate us.

Video Games. I am not even getting into this. Liebermann is an assjack.

And what I am now about to talk about, some of you may not agree with. And if you don’t, well I guess you may want to rethink it.

I recently found out that they are updating Shakespearean writings so modern youth can understand it.

F*ck.

So now we are so lazy about learning that we are RUINING treasures?! Man, you f*cking people need to go to hell.

This is just the sub-moronic schlock pressed on us by inbred cocksnots with nothing better to do that twirl their IUDs on the thumbs while smashing the cat in the face with hammer and humming God Bless America through their nose.

Come on folks, we are on the brink. The Matrix, A Brave New World, 1984, Logan’s Run. They are AT OUR DAMN DOORSTEP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Let’s take back our lives, our souls, our future.

Of course, I may just be crazy, but what is new about that?

And for those of you that don’t know, look up Patricia Pulling for the reference material about her.

First Posted on May 19th, 2006 under the title DaVinci’s Code, or Why the Religious Right is Just Wrong

Well, it’s been a little while since I had this kind of anger rolled up into a cardiac-arrest inducing lump of pure hatred. But, all it takes is a couple of damn fundies on a mission to do it.

As probably all of you know, tonight is the opening of the film version of The DaVinci Code, an immensely popular Mystery/Thriller novel that has been a bestseller for one hell of a long time. Dan Brown, the writer of the story, is being hailed as a genius of modern fiction because of it.

I want you to think of that phrase there for a moment, “…genius of modern fiction…”

“…of modern fiction…”

“…fiction…”

Pay attention, it will be important shortly.

So, I work for a bookstore, prominent one actually, and have constant contact with a large number of Mr. Brown’s books, and can get rather frustrated when I have to receive 20 boxes of the damned things. But hey, I want to be a writer as well, so one day I can piss off some schmuck inventory clerk at a bookstore with copies of my book that are making me money. I have had a chance to look through the book, but not read it yet.

I have, however, read Holy Blood, Holy Grail, the scholarly conjecture book written by James Baigent in the early 80’s, which Brown used as a resource for Code. Interesting, some odd points brought to the fore by it, but about as much support historically as the Bible has, really.

Anyway, not much has come to the fore by all this. Occaisionally you would hear about some asshat with a wild hair going off about it, but nothing big. Until, that is, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks got onboard, and turned it into one of the most anticipated movies of the summer (next to X3, but that is my humble comic book geek opinion there.)

Well, once these two giants of the media industry hopped on the wagon, all hell broke loose. And now, every goddamn fundamentalist (all of who I abhor with a fierce hatred ) has decided to come out and protest this movie as it “spreads lies about Jesus Christ”.

And right there is the goddamn problem. These people are so goddamn dumb; they don’t know the fucking difference between fact and fiction. They have no grasp of the concept that, no matter how many times they are told by everyone around them, and by the fucking AUTHOR, it is a work of fiction.

Fiction. Consciously contrived untruths meant for entertainment.

These people, all on a religious bent, have come together, en masse, to protest a movie about the Holy Grail’s whereabouts, and some “fictional” cover-ups by the Vatican through the ages (What? The Vatican, the world’s most powerful organization, cover up things in the past? Never!). They, very un-Christianlike, cast stones and aspersions on people that came together to entertain us for two hours. To them, the story is real. This tale of hidden clues and cover-ups is a work of absolute heresy, trying to destroy the faith of all who see it.

Ummm, it’s just a goddamn movie.

I watch this, and I realize now why it is you don’t have any good literature or movies anymore.

It’s not because of a naturally declining culture, or a nihilistic youth. It’s not because people are caught up on special effects.

It’s because of fucking people like these inbred, ill-educated, asinine, and absolutely retarded “Moral Majority” people. It’s because they go out of their way to neuter all things that question their safely ensconced life’s validity. Anything that asks them to think beyond what they are spoon-fed is “wrong” or “derogatory” or “perverse”.

Well I for one have goddamn had it. I am tired of these fucking people taking away good movies, imposing rating’s systems that effectively fucking kills decent films, and for supporting a status quo that encourages people to turn into spineless, gutless, brainless morons that willingly accept whatever they are given blindly like cattle led to the slaughter. I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain to get the mushroom treatment (kept in the dark and fed shit). Oh hell no.

You see, I, as well as a good number of people I know, understand that in order to strengthen something, you have to challenge it every so often. You have to work it over, and make it grow in order to make it stronger, make it tougher. But not these people. Oh no. They have to preserve everything just as it is, and if anything ever threatens it, it is evil and wrong.

My friend Endures-The-Storms-Fury made a great point about how just about all Westerners (read “Christians” of which I am a Christian, but not one like most people) see anything dark as evil, instead of it just being the other side of the coin from light. And, it is exactly why these people need to be stopped.

Remember, for the love of God, it’s JUST A GODDAMN BOOK!

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